my thoughts lately

SOO it's been a while...again. I never knew life could get so hard. ACU is the place where life was supposed to start for me and everything good in my life was going to happen. I've learned a lot about myself this semester that's for sure. Don't get me wrong, I really like it here. I've made some great friends that I don't want to leave. However I am in a deep financial hole. My parents cannot co-sign for my loans so i'm not sure how i'm going to pay for the remainder of my school. As of now I owe $1000 dollars to ACU just so i can register for classes next semester. I think I can work during the christmas break to make that up, but I cannot work enough hours during next semester to make enough money to cover the cost of school. I love how they told me not to let money stop me from coming here. As of now my older sister is going to try to co-sign for me but she doesn't really know if she'll get approved because she doesn't actually have any credit yet. So if that doesn't work I'll ask my grandparents...we'll see how that plays out. If neither of these options work I don't know what i'm going to do yet. I'm really lost right now in all of this. I knew money was an issue but i didn't think i'd have to worry about it until I graduated. I don't mind working my way through college. I know i'll probably apprieciate it a lot more, but the simple fact is that ACU is expensive. Please pray for God to give me peace and direction in this sittuation. My dad obviously isn't helping me and kelsey and I sharing a car just isn't working out. So Prayers are greatly apprieciated!

Also, about my major. As of now I am still declared Children and Family ministry. That is mainly because of the scholarship. I most likely will be changing to Early Childhood Education next fall. This is something I have been thinking about before I even started this semester, but through a lot of thinking, prayer, observation, and the bit of experience I have, I don't think I want to work in a church. I don't want the place I work to be the place I have to worship. Also, biblically, the leaders of the church are not payed. They lead because the love of christ compells them to do so. I want to do that. I don't want to work in a church as a career. I think that is a reason for corruption in the church. I mean when did churches need a logo and once they get a logo they have to put it on everything like t shirts and car decals... Everything is so structured and planned and it doesn't leave room for the spirit to move. Not that i am against church, these are just things i've noticed. Also i think christians use church to do the work of christianity for them. Church is supposed to be a place where believers gather to worship and fellowship together. Instead, we invite nonbelievers in hopes that church will tell them about christ so we don't have to. Bringing others to christ i believe is not supposed to be done in church. That's why i think that so many people come and feel like they can't live up to these seemingly perfect people. Church is where imperfect christians come and help eachother grow stronger in their faith so they can go out into the world and bring others to christ. Then once they have brought someone to christ that person can join in the fellowship that is church. Also as far as children's ministry goes I think I like the major more than I would like the actual job. From my experience which once again is not that much, a children's minister does not actually spend that much time with children. They spend more time directing and writing curriculem than actually building relationships and ministering to kids. I believe it's an important job, just not what I was called to do. I do want to minister to children, but I am not a director. I can't even organize my own life so what makes me think I can organize a week of kids camp? Not that me not wanting to do this is a bad thing, at least I don't think it is. I just don't see those things as my strong suits and I want to do something that I feel like I could be good at. That's why I want to be a teacher. I think I would be able to reach kids better and build relationships with them in a classroom where I got to see them everyday. I'd get my own classroom and I could decorate it:) and little kids with speech impediments would call me Ms. Whatland cause they can't pronounce their R's haha.

Anyways, that's a bit of what has been going on in my life lately... HAPPY HOLIDAYS!! ;)

Welcome back!

Wow it's been a while! My life is so different since the last time i blogged...mainly cause i'm in college now. Did I actually just say that? I'm a college woman..watch out. The funny thing is, it's a lot different than I expected it to be. Not different in a bad way. I can't really explain it. Mainly I thought that going to college I would finally just be in my element and nothing would go wrong and i'd just have everything figured out. Yeah i know...grow up Lauren. I'm still confused a lot. I still know God has a plan for me. The question is what. I obviously over think every little thing in life..still. Is there something wrong with me? Well of course there is, I'm human. I think it's funny that I always blog my frustrations with life. Can someone just tell me to calm down please? I mean I almost forgot I had this little guy set up..I've been struggling in my faith since I got here. It was really sudden. I am in a bible class, I've gotten pretty involved at church, but my personal relationship with God is...well rough. I've become a totally different person and when I say different this I mean it in a bad way. Satan has me really figured out. I hate him. I feel like i'm not me at all. I've noticed this tremendously in some of my relationships. I don't love people the way I should. Ministry to others is a way i used to connect with God and I'm a ministry major and I can't think of anything i've done lately to help someone. I mean I did give some people rides the other day...i'll go ahead and pat myself on the back for that one..khudos. The point is..I love the Lord. I need the Lord, but I'm too lazy and selfish to let him make his home in my heart again. I need prayer. I need to pray. I need a lot of things i guess. I need to not focus on myself is what I need to do. I mean..when God looks at this world, I am not in the center of it. My world has very little to do with God's kingdom so why do I make it seem that way? Selfishness. I've read the bible quite a bit today. God is really opening my eyes. I started a new prayer journal again...I'm a prayer journal junkie sometimes. It's good cause it helps me focus my prayers. I'll tell you something. God is good. He will be praised. No matter what's going on in my life he is Lord. I'm proclaiming that right now. The next step is to start living like I believe that again. Any ideas?...to the 3 people who read this...lol Thanks faithful readers..that is if ya'll still blog. Well I hope everything is going well.


Until next time,
Lauren

Ps. Clint, next time you try to get me to class on the day they show a snake video...You die. It's clear that's the reason you were so worried about me not being in class..jerk.

Humble Yourself In The Sight Of The Lord

God is allll up in Honduras. Everything there reflected God's glory. From the people to the beautiful scenery. There is nothing more humbling than to be in such a presence. The moment on the trip when I realized God was working is when Ariel got baptized. The day before we left to go to Honduras I was thinking about her and I just started praying for her. I prayed that she would find God on this trip and that he would work in her heart. Then about day 2 of the trip she was getting baptized. God worked fast on that one. Props. Then Sunday night came my time for bonding. If you have never bonded, I highly, highly recommend it. What is bonding? You may ask. Well, on a mission trip, you and maybe 1 or 2 other people in your group stay in the home of a family from where ever you are. In this case it was Honduras obviously. For about 24 hours I lived with a Honduran family. This family consisted of a mother, 6 kids, 1 grandchild, a cat named rainbow (I'm not sure where they got that from), and a lot of chickens. It's amazing how close you can get to people who don't even speak the same language as you in 24 hours. It's obviously a God thing. So, dinner time came with the family. Something you should know before I go on is that the Wednesday before this my food bagging group had just delivered a bag of food to this family. Anyways...dinner time. They gave us a bowl of rice, beans, tortillas, cheese, and meat. We (and when I say we i mean me, sherry, and Kelsey) sat down to eat and they sat and watched us eat. Then i realized we were probably eating food out of the food bag that we had given them a few days before. What the heck? I'm supposed to be helping these people they aren't supposed to be giving me everything they have. Why were they doing that? I've never had such a humbling experience. They were sacrificing so that we would feel comfortable. They gave us their beds to sleep on as well. Are you seeing the pattern? They were being Jesus to us when i was supposed to be Jesus to them. Why? Well I can only come to one conclusion. I'm pretty sure the love of Christ was compelling them. I'm so thankful for that experience. I can't begin to describe how blessed I am, and how much of myself I don't give to better God's kingdom. These people actually had nothing, yet they were so content. In Sugar Land I'm considered middle to lower class, to them I'm so rich. Yet I still think of all the things I "need". When I have everything I need. God has blessed me so richly. Now It's my responsibility to bless others who are less fortunate than me. That's what the body of Christ is supposed to do. So I'm going to end with a song lyric.

Humble yourself in the sight of the Lord
and he will lift you up

In Honduras I was humbled in the sight of the Lord, and he lifted me up. I encourage everyone to do something for someone else today!

~Lauren~

Another post with another list

Well...life's pretty crazy these days! I'm leaving for Honduras in less than a week! I'm so excited. It's so weird that this is my senior mission trip. We've been preparing all year for it and the time has finally come! I can't wait to see what God does! I'm doing my best to make as much money as I can before college. Crap! I'm a college student. It's getting pretty hardcore, I know. Just the thought of balancing my school work, a job and a social life stressesmeout.com! I'm definitely ready to get out of the SL though. You know, get out on my own and be more independent. Have you ever had so many things you wanna do in your life, but you feel so overwhelmed by not having enough time? Tonight I was at church and the Hope for Haiti's Children thing was going on. I was thinking about how badly I want to do Mission work. Then I started thinking about how many other things I want to do in my life.

Things I want to do before I die (in no particular order):
-Be a Children's minister (obviously, it's my major for a reason)
-Do long term mission work
-Become and wife and a mother
-Be a back up singer...this is a new dream of mine that I think would be the coolest job in the world! I mean, you get to sing harmony and travel with famous people, but you stay out of the lime light. That's what I call PFS (pretty freakin' sweet).
-Be an elementary school teacher..another new dream. I recently thought about this. If Children's ministry doesn't work out (or I can do both), I think teaching elementary school would be an awesome job. I mean...reading stories, teaching kids how to write in cursive, recess, and times tables...yeah I could definitely do that.
-Adopt from another country (country still unknown).
-Show people the Love of Jesus Christ.

Well, I went a little list crazy again...but what can you do? It is what it is. :) Please pray for the senior class as we go off to Honduras!!

~lauren~

My Lists

I'm A Firm Believer In:
-God
-The messiah
-love
-an absolute truth
-laughing
-crying...when people aren't watching of course
-working hard for a good cause
-integrity (doing the right thing when no one is watching)

Things That Scare me:
-snakes (shocker)
-the unknown
-making mistakes
-my future
-my family or friends dying
-never having kids or getting married

Things That Make Me Happy:
-God
-children
-flowers
-suprizes
-feeling needed
-bubbles
-singing
-worshiping
-getting my nails done (does't happen that often)
-dressing up
-things that smell good
-thoughtfulness
-driving just to think (aka waisting gas)
-FCYG
-big sun glasses (the bigger the better)
-good conversation
-sarcasm
-bad jokes
-good jokes
-cute animals
-making over $100 in one night at the OB
-being the only person that actually calls outback the OB
-laughing

So I just thought I needed an update :) This is a good idea...ya'll should do the same in your blog!! make a list of things u believe in, things that make you happy and things that scare you. It feels good. Have a good day! :)

~lauren~

Amazed

My Testimony?
That's a good question. Why do I believe what I believe?
As I look back on my life I realize that even through the struggles, God has protected me more than I could ever imagine. I have no Idea why I am the way I am. Why I love God and choose to follow him. I've always had faith, big or small, it was still faith. I grew up knowing the truth. Even through hard times I still remained faithful, but I couldn't tell you why. I believe with all of my heart that God wants me on his side. For some reason he has a plan for me in his kingdom somewhere. There is no way I would be where I am right now If he didn't.

Bordo and I had a conversation the other day. First off, I was thinking about not going to Honduras because of money. Then he called me and told me that someone wanted to pay for me and Kelsey to go. I didn't want to take the money at first. One, because the church has helped me out too much in my life and I felt bad. Two, because It was more expensive than a trip to Mexico. I was crying on the phone when he told me. He told me to take the money, and to think of it as a faith builder and a blessing from God. He said that sometimes God blesses us for remaining faithful. That's what got me the most. All the times I have not been completely faithful, and he chooses to bless me for being faithful? Did I just contradict myself from the first paragraph?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that God is always taking care of me, even when I don't realize it. The song that comes to mind is obviously Lord I'm Amazed By You.

You dance over me
While I am unaware
You sing all around
But I never hear a sound

Lord I'm amazed by you
Lord I'm amazed by you
Lord I'm amazed by you
How you love me


Find something to be amazed about.
~Lauren~

This is the day that the Lord has made!

Have you ever had one of those days were you're just happy to be alive? I hope you have, because it's a good feeling. With so many things going on and so many things to get done, it's hard to remember that God has blessed you with another day on this earth. Today hasn't been anything special. I woke up around 10 30 or 11, watched lion king 2 (don't judge), took a shower, dropped kelsey off at work, and now I'm just chilling until I go eat dinner with my mom and then I will be babysitting on my night off of work. I'm not gonna lie, I was a little upset about babysitting on my night off, but 1. I absolutely love the little girl I'm taking care of 2. I need money 3. Why be upset? It will be fun. I'm just glad that it's such a pretty day outside! Why am I so happy today? Nothing really special happened or will happen. I'd like to say it's the joy of the Lord!

I just thought I'd post on a good day, since most of my posts are complaints about how confused I always am...jk, sort of.

Have a blessed day,
~Lauren~

I can't think of a clever title

In exactly two months from today I will be an official High school graduate. This weekend was the last time for me to sing UIL music with a choir I have come to appreciate and love. A lot of the people in that choir I have been singing with since the 6th grade. I remember our first UIL competition. I just sang at my last. While we were in the warm up room, we were about to sing through our last song, and all the seniors realized this was our last time to sing together for competition and that we needed to sing the best we possibly could for each other because we owed it to ourselves and each other. Ummm...i didn't make it through the song. I cried. I realized how much I will miss choir while we were singing. Then we went on stage and did amazing.com. We placed 2nd in our class (5A varsity mixed) then we also placed 2nd in the festival (out of all the choirs, bands and orchestras). I felt pretty good about that. Except the choir that beat us were jerks. We beat out a TMEA honor choir. If you're not in choir that probably means nothing to you, but it's actually pretty big time.

So money sucks. I hate it. I hated it when I didn't have it, and I still hate it now that I have it. It stresses me out, because I make money and it seems like a lot, but then I remember that I'm going to a school that costs 23,000 a year to go to. Should I go to ACU? I hope it's worth it. Sometimes I wonder if I should just be a waitress for the rest of my life. I don't make enough to live on yet, but once I get better I could. There are people at Outback that BANK. I could move up and eventually own my very own Outback. How tight would that be? I wouldn't have to work my way through college, and risk not having a social life at all. I wouldn't have to worry about paying off thousands of dollars in loans. Plus, I'd get to wear a bright purple or green safari shirt every day for the rest of my life (don't worry, there are other colors too). Pretty much livin' the dream...I wish life wasn't so confusing. I'm sure it gets easier as I get older...wait, that's a lie. College is already stressing me out and I'm not even there yet. I know that anything worth having is worth working for. Going to the college of my dreams is worth having, so I will work for it. I want to be a children's minister. I want to make a difference in the world, which I have recently discovered is hard to do. Especially when you don't fit into the world. I know it's ok. This world is not my home. I'm called to be in the world not of the world. I walk into the kitchen at Outback and the F bomb is thrown out like it's nothing. It's sad that it's easier to conform to look like the world then it is to stay the way you are. Not that I'm yelling profanity left and right or anything, but I've noticed that it's not bothering me as much as it did at first. I've become numb to it.

I pray that God can use me to make a difference. I hope that that's what I'm living for. Sometimes in the busyness I forget why I'm here. Why I'm called. I want to be good at what I do. I'm trying so hard, that I forget that I'm on a mission field. Please pray that I can be a light at work. This job is honestly hard on me. I was scared to death when I first started. I'm getting better. Some people there think I'm shy. I'm only shy when I'm intimidated, which I am. I'm getting a lot better though, at least I think I am.

Things I love:
-God
-My twin sister
-my friends and family
-FCYG
-children
-music
-flowers
-things that smell good
-roller coasters
-people who inspire me to live out my faith
-crocks
-dance parties
-feeling like I'm apart of something bigger than myself
-laughing

Be still and know that I am God.

I started a new job at outback a couple of weeks ago. I'm not the best waitress. Mainly because I'm not exactly amazing with money, and I'm not very organized. Needless to say, these past couple of weeks have gone by so fast. I haven't stopped and taken a breath. All I do is go to school, work, then work again (working two jobs) then I sleep. That's all. I'm actually getting chapped lips from being stressed out. The reason? I'm not sure. Maybe I can't handle the load. I'm probably not built to run on 6 hours of sleep. I also would like to see people and have relationships with people. I think about the last couple of weeks. How many meaningful conversations did I have? Have I made any one's day? Have I thought about anything besides what needs to be done? No. I don't know why I'm trying to process this. The answer is pretty clear. I can't handle this load. Not by myself. God as not been apart of my life for the past couple of weeks. My prayers have been the ones I say at night because I feel bad for not praying, and you know I haven't been reading the word. I know I need to slow down and not try to take so much on, but college isn't free and it doesn't pay for itself. At least in my case it doesn't. No full rides for this girl. Maybe what is really overwhelming me is that I'm realizing that my life is actually starting. Responsibilities, and the fact that if something goes wrong in my life now, it's my fault. If I don't manage my money well I can't blame my parents like I can for their divorce. My life is in my hands now. The pitty parties are over. Life seriously is like a box of chocolate, and it's not because you never know what you're gonna get. It's cause you're scared to get the nasty coconut filled ones. Well that's my life anyway. Life in fear is not a life worth living. I shouldn't worry so much about my future. Should I? Is it worth stressing over? Or does everything really happen for a reason? If everything happens for a reason should I not take responsibility for my own actions? Because If I mess up it happened for a reason right? For me to learn my lesson and not do it again next time. Yep, I pretty much have life figured out...at the age of 18. Duh. We all think that don't we. Especially me. I'll never be as wise as I am now...Of course my sarcasm is getting the best of me. It happens.

So now I stop. I realize, once again that this life that I'm living has absolutely nothing to do with me. My life may or may not turn out the way I want it. I could grow up to be a lonely old lady with 10 cats, no kids and no husband. Lord willing that does not happen...I'd have dogs too if it were my way. (kidding of course) My point is that I need to stop worrying about the future, and pause in my busy life to just be still and know that God is in control. I'm not saying he is orchestrating my life, and I'm a little puppet, but at the end of the day, no matter what, he still IS. I'll say it again, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS life is like a box of chocolate. You may get the good caramel filled or the nasty coconut filled, but on the outside there's always chocolate.

I hope you like my analogies. :)

come visit me at outback,
~L.rUt~

Commit For Life

So the first time I ever gave blood, was not the best experience. I didn't eat anything that day, and the second they stuck me with the needle, I started feeling a little woozy. I looked at the nurse (my face was turning green at this point) and I asked her if it was bad that I hadn't eaten. She looked at me like I was crazy and said "well yeah I wouldn't have stuck you if i knew that." She was a big black lady, so if you can imagine that it was actually pretty funny, cause she was ticked. So she went and got me ice packs and put them all over my body and gave me some grape juice (score). Now I started feeling a little better, but blood stopped coming out of my arm, so she had to wiggle the needle around in my arm 3 or 4 times. Sick, right? I thought so. It was also painful. She kept telling me to squeeze the ball in my hand. After a while the only thing close to squeezing I could get out of my hand was a little flinch of my middle finger (in the most christian way possible, of course). Finally, they got enough blood from me, and I stood up. They gave me some cookies, and I was on my way. On the way home, I started feeling bad again, so i put the ice pack on my head. Then Once I got home, I laid on the couch and had Kelsey feed me. haha. It sounds a little over dramatic, but I was seriously not feeling too hot.

Today there was a blood drive at my school. I was actually excited, because I had eaten breakfast, so I was going to give blood without passing out. So I walk in the gym, fill out a form, and show some ID. Then they poked my finger, and told me I couldn't give blood because I was anemic. Iron count has to be a 38, mine was a 35 and anything under 36 means you're anemic. Not only did I not get to give blood and save 3 lives, but I took that bullet aka finger prick for nothing. So uppsetting.

So there's no moral to the story today. I just wanted to vent to molesters and rapists who read my blog...just kidding, kinda.

I hope everyone has a good day!

Save a life give blood,
~Lauren~

Pride.

My eyes were opened to how much I let pride get in the way of my leadership.

Soul Link 2008: The theme was "Consumed". The big question of the weekend, "Does God have your heart?" My answer was yes. After that, the speaker was kind of all over the place, and not making many points. There were some pretty good skits and what not. I had fun. Worship, as usual was top notch. The MCs for the weekend had their moments. KJ52 got krunk.

Saturday Night of Soul Link 2008: Youth group processing time came. We all sat in the Chapel of the church, as Bordo asked questions. What we learned, and how we can take it back to the rest of the youth group. I listened to all the kid's answers. They had some good ideas, not many of them were really do-able. One kid said we could reenact what they did. Not likely to happen. Another said we can tell them what we learned, but in the end would they do that? And if they did would it just be a story of another retreat? I was about to raise my hand and tell them that what our youth group really needs is for us to reach out and serve each other. If we are "Consumed" by God, then that is what we should do. Then, a senior girl rose her hand. She said the biggest problem our youth group has is that we don't reach out to invisible people. She said more, but that sentence hit me. I was about to raise my hand and tell kids to do something that I have not been doing for this girl. I have known her for years. We were friends, but she stopped coming to church, and to be honest, she's one of those "hard to love" people. She started coming back to some youth events, and I would completely ignore her. Why? Because I had it in my head that I didn't need to. I would see her sitting by herself and I would never go talk to her. All because I told myself that I'm a good enough leader. I serve, I stack chairs, I sing on praise team, I hang out with pretty much everyone at church, I usually talk to the "invisible people", I hang out with the younger kids, and I work for the church...I'm pretty much BIG TIME. I didn't need to talk to this girl... I felt completely convicted to talk to her, so after, I walked up to her and laid my hand on her shoulder and apologized. She needed to hear that. We talked for about 15 minutes, and then we got CRAZAYYY at the KJ52 concert.

Why do I choose who to talk to and who not to talk to? I have been so blessed by that group, and I couldn't be a blessing to her. God humbled me, so here's my message: You're probably not as big time as you think you are, so be a blessing to someone, no matter who they are or what they've done (you have probably done something worse or more annoying). Jesus paid much too high of a price for us to pick and choose who can come. Seriously, it takes courage, but God will hook you up. It will definitely humble you.

Have a blessed day :)

~Lauren~

PS. Mr. Morris's cancer has cleared up!! God's healing power is amazing. I love Amy Morris. The end.

I'm a rebel.

I'm at school right now, and I'm posting a blog. I know...it's out there. The truth is I can't help it. I was born to be a rebel. The rules just don't apply to me.

On a more serious note:

Last night I read the First three chapters of Genesis, and Gen. 3:8 says this:

"Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the LORD God among the trees of the garden."

I thought it was weird that God was walking around in the garden. I always thought that the only time he was in human flesh was Jesus...It's interesting. I'd like to talk about it more, but the bell just rang...off to choir!

~Lauren~

Thankfulness

Thank-ful: /ˈθæŋkfəl/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[thangk-fuhl] –adj. feeling or expressing gratitude; appreciative.

My prayer life is weaker than I'd like it to be. It's something I'm working on for sure. I've realized how much I ask of God. Not that asking is a bad thing, but God has done so much for me that I just look over and never acknowledge. So many of the things I have asked for has been answered, and I have not thanked God for those blessings.

"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness."-Col. 2:6-7

Blessings:
-I Lettered in Academics this week. 2nd semester of senior year... it's about time. (so not over it yet)
-Safe Trip to and from Abilene last weekend, with only a few minor directional errors.
-Amazing friends who always have my back.
-The fact that God is opening up my eyes to see his glory.
-God working in my weaknesses (see last post).
-My mom and Bill's divorce!(probably wont ever get over that one)


I'm so glad I'm able to see God's hand in all of this. When I received the text from my mom last Friday morning that said "I'm divorced wooohooo!" I was so happy, I cried in Chapel. It's one of those things you never think will happen, and when it does you really can't believe it. All I ever want is for my mom to be happy and now she finally can be without Bill in her life to bring her down. God is so good.

So now I'm asking for prayers. Please pray that I can forgive Bill. The very thought of that makes me cringe, but when I try to see him through Christ's eyes, I see a human who is hurting. A human who has an addiction, and needs Christ's mercy. Honestly, if I had it my way I'd never forgive him. I hate him. He's down there with Satan to me. But, if God is love and hate is the exact opposite of love, and I'm striving to be an imitator of God, then I have to love him. There is no other option. So please pray for me to obtain this love.

That's all I have for tonight fellow bloggers.

Peace, Love, and Lauren.

When I am weak, my Lord you are strong

Story time.

Ever since I was a little girl I always prayed for my dad. He left us when I was about 4 or 5, but he's always been in my life, in fact I have lived with him for the past two or so years. Lately, those prayers for him came to a halt, because of arguments and the fact that he seemed almost like a lost cause. Then, last night I had a panic attack. I have been struggling with anxiety since this past summer. For anyone who hasn't been through that, be thankful. Anyways, what triggered this attack was a bible study that I lead in the office on Tuesday. We were discussing God's calling, and Drew was telling us how he believed that God called some people to his kingdom and didn't call others. I started wondering if I was actually one of those who God did not want. God hardened Pharaoh's heart, what if he wanted to harden mine? These thoughts made me sick, literally. I have never felt so close to Satan. I felt like he was consuming me. While this was happening, I was writing in my prayer journal, and praying aloud. I kept asking God to keep Satan away from me, and telling God that I needed him. I decided to call drew and talk to him, but he was on the other line. So while I was waiting for him to call me back I walked into the living room, and my dad saw that I was upset and asked me what was wrong. I asked him to hug me, and he did. Then he told me to explain myself. I'm not always the best at expressing emotions, especially negative ones. However, I sat down and did my best. I'm not sure if he really understood. Then, I had the urge to ask him If he ever read the Bible. He said "not as much as I should." I was expecting an answer similar to that. Then I said, "would you like it if we read the bible together sometime?" He agreed. Then I asked him If he had a bible ( i knew he didn't) He said no, but he said he'd buy one. Then he of course asked me if he "could get one with the big letters." I laughed. The conversation ended, and I went into my room and cried. I was having a panic attack and while I'm having it God is using me. Not only is he using me, he is answering a prayer I've prayed since I was a little girl. Also, I wrote in my journal for God to open my heart and eyes to see his Glory. Then I called Drew back and told him what happened, and he read me a verse:

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Cor. 12:9-10

And it is so true. I'm so glad I serve a God who is way bigger and stronger than any of my weaknesses. A God who knows me better than I could ever know myself. Satan is good. He knows what hurts me, and he knows exactly where to put the knife. He knows what lies to whisper in my ear to cause me to doubt. But he's also scared. He's more afraid of God than I am of him, and If God is for me who can be against me? This is what I love about God. He always has my back ;)

Story time is over.

I hope everyone has a good day :)

~L.rUt~